Friday, July 22, 2011

Drive It Like You Stole It (by Reverend Doctor Goodluck Taylor)

I was stuck at an extremely long red light the other day and couldn't help but read the various bumper stickers on the truck in front of me.  It had the obligatory "Too Low For Fat Ho's" and Monster Energy drink logo stickers on the windows.  If you're not familiar with the Monster logo it's a way cool and frightening image that resembles the aftermath of a green dinosaur claw.  It's almost as if the driver is saying "YEAH!  Mess with me and I'll claw you to death...because I'm full of sugar and taurine!"

While those stickers were pretty amusing the one that really caught my attention simply stated "Drive It Like You Stole It".  About that time the light turned green and he (I"m assuming the driver was male, due to the lack of "bitch on board" or "cowgirl up" stickers) peeled off and sped away.  I'm pretty sure I heard an excited "WOOOOO!!!".

Anyway, the whole "Drive It Like You Stole It" thing really annoyed me.  I mean, I get it.  You stole it and it's a fast truck, so drive it really fast.  But wouldn't you want to drive the speed limit if you were in a stolen vehicle?  Wouldn't you do a quick check to make sure your inspection and registration are both up to date?  I mean, come on'd be pretty stupid to get pulled over in a stolen truck just because you were speeding.  But I guess when you paste a sticker like that on the back of your vehicle intelligence really isn't a factor anymore.

Eh, screw it.  I think I'll just join the club, go get a 40 oz Mountain Dew, hop in my car, yell "GET 'ER DONE" and just drive it like I stole it.  WOOOOOHHH!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Blockbusted (by Chuck "Telemundo" Clark)

I was once a Blockbuster Video Junky. For those of you who are wondering what Blockbuster Video is, it’s a business that once thrived inside of those big blue abandoned buildings you occasionally see along the side of most major highways. Inside, you would find an endless selection of any rentable DVD or Video Game, a last second choice of snacks while waiting in line, and a human waiting for you at a counter, ready to answer any questions you might have. Now, you will most likely find broken glass, graffiti, and urine stains on the decaying sidewalks. Sure, I know some of the locations are still open for business, but for how long? Who wants to pay 5 or 6 dollars for a New Release and keep it a whole five days? What am I supposed to do with a movie for five days? Lets see, I can watch it the same night that I rent it, and if it’s great I MIGHT watch the special features (if they’re even available on the same disc), and then what? Watch it again? No, I am not going to watch it again. In my entire life, I think I have come across maybe a total of 3 different movies that inspired me to watch it more than once within a five day period.

I now have four days left in my rental agreement. Maybe I won’t be heading that direction in town until later that week, allowing plenty of time to return the now pointless item in my care. Man, I hope it doesn’t get scratched. I better store it somewhere up high so the kids don’t trample on it. Of course, you could always just loan it to a friend, entrusting them with the deadline. What if they miss the last day of Blockbuster’s grace, would it damage the friendship? Will they pay you the late-fees after red-flagging your account with Blockbuster? What if they damage it while it’s in their care? Are they going to pay you the full cost of the DVD? Four days left. What once was a night of anticipated eye-candy is now a baby-sitting job in which the only payment is clearing your name from potential fees. Five days is four days too many.

These days, I won’t pay more than a dollar for a one night choice from a limited selection on the sidewalk at McDonald’s. That’s my limit, and I think the feeling is viral considering Blockbuster Video’s clear demise.
Renting a video from Redbox is like playing the Slot Machine at a Casino. You put your money in and mutter prayers while waiting to receive your prize. Oh God, please don’t let this disc be scratched to hell. Mostly, with playing Slots, you lose. Same goes for playing the Redbox. The choices suck badly, with the occasional gem, and usually you’re driving home wondering why you rented what you did. What’s worse is returning a DVD at 8 o’clock in the evening, only to be stuck behind an oblivious gem-seeker talking on her cell-phone, approving DVD choices with whoever’s at the other end of the conversation. There are times when I witnessed the Redbox dishing out 6 or 7 DVDs to a woman being circled by her three media-enslaved kids. That’s a whole lotta movie! It can be tough being a parent, so I can see why a frustrated Mom would want to hand the job over to her DVD player so she can finally have some “Me” time. 7 DVDs should do the trick for tonight. Sheesh!

Redbox makes it easy and affordable. I think the idea is genius, only because I’m not affiliated with Blockbuster Video in any way. I imagine we will see a Redbox Jr. in the near future that dishes out microwaveable popcorn bags and candy. (Dibs on the patent!)

Regardless, I see myself as more of a Netflix guy.