Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Blockbusted (by Chuck "Telemundo" Clark)

I was once a Blockbuster Video Junky. For those of you who are wondering what Blockbuster Video is, it’s a business that once thrived inside of those big blue abandoned buildings you occasionally see along the side of most major highways. Inside, you would find an endless selection of any rentable DVD or Video Game, a last second choice of snacks while waiting in line, and a human waiting for you at a counter, ready to answer any questions you might have. Now, you will most likely find broken glass, graffiti, and urine stains on the decaying sidewalks. Sure, I know some of the locations are still open for business, but for how long? Who wants to pay 5 or 6 dollars for a New Release and keep it a whole five days? What am I supposed to do with a movie for five days? Lets see, I can watch it the same night that I rent it, and if it’s great I MIGHT watch the special features (if they’re even available on the same disc), and then what? Watch it again? No, I am not going to watch it again. In my entire life, I think I have come across maybe a total of 3 different movies that inspired me to watch it more than once within a five day period.

I now have four days left in my rental agreement. Maybe I won’t be heading that direction in town until later that week, allowing plenty of time to return the now pointless item in my care. Man, I hope it doesn’t get scratched. I better store it somewhere up high so the kids don’t trample on it. Of course, you could always just loan it to a friend, entrusting them with the deadline. What if they miss the last day of Blockbuster’s grace, would it damage the friendship? Will they pay you the late-fees after red-flagging your account with Blockbuster? What if they damage it while it’s in their care? Are they going to pay you the full cost of the DVD? Four days left. What once was a night of anticipated eye-candy is now a baby-sitting job in which the only payment is clearing your name from potential fees. Five days is four days too many.

These days, I won’t pay more than a dollar for a one night choice from a limited selection on the sidewalk at McDonald’s. That’s my limit, and I think the feeling is viral considering Blockbuster Video’s clear demise.
Renting a video from Redbox is like playing the Slot Machine at a Casino. You put your money in and mutter prayers while waiting to receive your prize. Oh God, please don’t let this disc be scratched to hell. Mostly, with playing Slots, you lose. Same goes for playing the Redbox. The choices suck badly, with the occasional gem, and usually you’re driving home wondering why you rented what you did. What’s worse is returning a DVD at 8 o’clock in the evening, only to be stuck behind an oblivious gem-seeker talking on her cell-phone, approving DVD choices with whoever’s at the other end of the conversation. There are times when I witnessed the Redbox dishing out 6 or 7 DVDs to a woman being circled by her three media-enslaved kids. That’s a whole lotta movie! It can be tough being a parent, so I can see why a frustrated Mom would want to hand the job over to her DVD player so she can finally have some “Me” time. 7 DVDs should do the trick for tonight. Sheesh!

Redbox makes it easy and affordable. I think the idea is genius, only because I’m not affiliated with Blockbuster Video in any way. I imagine we will see a Redbox Jr. in the near future that dishes out microwaveable popcorn bags and candy. (Dibs on the patent!)

Regardless, I see myself as more of a Netflix guy.

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